The relay is on the back of the instrument panel junction block.
This is how to get at it:
This is the junction block removed:

The left relay in this pic is the defroster relay.
I marked where connector IH goes and its pin 2 for the unused S-HTR circuit. The unmarked pin is pin 1 for defroster. Probe for continuity between the wire from this plug to the defogger. If you have a factory-grade diagram, that circuit goes through IG2.
If your defroster indicator light goes on as expected, that wire is just about the only suspect left.