Could it be an act of god?

Some levity to lighten your load.... Good thing it happened when you went to church today instead of in the middle of a storm out on the highway somewhere.
Let's chase this one out, no power even when jumped tells me that a major circuit has opened. On most cars there are either circuit breakers, fuses or fusible links on the main circuits.
If they're fuses, they have big numbers (high values) on them such as 40A, 60A, etc. and are usually large body fuses.
Circuit breakers usually have a reset button on them (push reset and try turning the key to on or acc to test).
And some cars will have an impact, or accident, safety disconnect - these are designed to kill all power in the event of a crash. This should be listed somewhere in your owners manual under a troubleshooting section, or try the index for any possible description you can come up with.
Overall, if you're not pressed for the car, it's a great idea to have the dealer check the car through. If this happens again, it could be a situation worse than this. If it happened because of a major short, you'll burn up an expensive fuse or fusible link just to find that it did it's job the first time.
Hope this helps, and it sounds like you need a good flatbed tow truck and the address of the nearest dealer. Or just leave it where it is and call your extended warranty number so they can cover the cost (even better). Good luck friend - Peace.