"Scott in Florida" <askifyouwant@mindspring.net> wrote in message
news:r1fo9295fgb11scq3ol66tpjjbdtv0bjlo@4ax.com...[color=blue]
>
>
> On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's
> campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He
> told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's
> sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to
> the congregation and say a few words that would include calling
> Kerry a saint.
>
> The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there
> are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of
> Kerry's views."
>
> Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now
> for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
> congregation you see Kerry as a saint."
>
> The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use
> the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
>
> As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday
> sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.
> And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that
> Senator Kerry was present.
> Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,
>
> "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is
> not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of
> the church, and he tends to fl ip-flop on many other views. John
> Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite, anal thumb sucker, and a
> nit-wit. John Kerry is a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
>
> John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally
> witnessed.
> He turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He wrote a book and portrayed
> himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow
> servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall
> to put himself in for a medal (including the Silver Star with V,
> which does not exist).
>
> He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people.
> He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations b
> oth here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be
> trusted."
>
> The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared
> to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."[/color]
And from Feb. 3rd of this year:
President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church
outside Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove's campaign to reverse
Bush's rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit,
Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the
chosen Sunday. "As you know, Bishop," began Rove, "we've been getting a
lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president's
position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly arrange for
Jack Abramoff's friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church
if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint."
The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, "This
parish is in rather desperate need of funds ... I'll agree to do it."
The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking
especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.
After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: "George
W. Bush is a petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He
is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's
largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty election trick in the
book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed him.
He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to
avoid combat, and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft
carrier before a banner stating "Mission Accomplished." He invaded a
sovereign country for oil and war profiteering, turning Iraq into a
training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He
continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent
connection between the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war
in Iraq. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to
high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and
hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets corporate
polluters despoil God's creation and doom our planet. He uses
fear-mongering to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in
clear violation of our Constitution. He is so psychotic and
megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is the
worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known. But compared
to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards
in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.
Not bad in either version, but you are rather late on covering the joke with
your rewrite.
Something from last year for your next typing exercise:
This poem is composed entirely of Bush quotes. hopefully
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
Linear Mode
