Sounds like the battery isn't connected (except for a few interior lights). Have you check the voltage of the battery? Are connections tight? Were they cleaned?

 

Check the kick starter to confirm is it's kicking and if it isn't then get another Kickstarter

 

i replaced a battery on a n altima and had a similar experience. the new battery would not start the car. nothing would really happen either. no clicking or half cranks. The car would start with a jump pack and idle fine. verified voltage and was charging. As soon as you turned the car off though, it would not restart.
had the battery checked and they said some of the plates must have shorted out. they replaced it with another new battery and it was fine. been fine for 2 years now.

whats the battery voltage just sitting there?
you can try to put the key in, put youre foot on the brake, and put the car in neutral. see if it starts. its easy enough to try.
it also might be a security issue, especially if the lights come on but the car wont even try to start.

 

Smart modules, security etc may have lost their info with a dead battery that long. Some relearn procedures maybe needed. Pay attention to the dash lights as to what is still on after the initial lights test sequence finishes. Key detection is a must before key is turned any others. Lights legend is in the owners manual to figure it out. It all guess work you need a mechanic likely to sort it out with a code reader to assist I expect.

 

Thanks…to clarify, and not sure it matters but the battery hasn’t been dead for 7 months.

I would try to go out and start it every ~2 weeks and drive it occasionally so it has probably only been dead for a couple of weeks max…probably less.

The most confusing thing to me is why it was able to be jumped 5 minutes before battery replacement and it’s not able to be jumped after battery replacement.

 

Wild guess, did you check the FOB battery's voltage?
Wouldn't be the first to put a new but dead battery in s FOB.

 

Well you need to do testing and observe all connections for clean quality conduction of power. Corrosion sets in easily when a vehicle is unused for a length of time. Also where it was and weather during that period all effect what might have happened.


Edit: My 2012 was not push to start!!!! No FOB but key start. Details are key, I doubt a 2010 had it at the early part of the series. But, test everything and as I said key/Fob detection is indicated on the dash either way. By dead fob starting method can be used as well.

 

This fella having the exact same issue on a 2008 model. Sure seems odd that replacing the 12V battery bricks the start functionality...

https://www.toyotanation.com/threads/2008-toyota-highlander-not-detecting-key-fobs.1797480/?post_id=15087972#post-15087972

 

UPDATE:

Advance Auto had it towed to a AAA center right up the street the next day (2 days after the battery was replaced)

Got a call from AAA a few hours later saying it started up for them no problem. I went to pick it up and…it started up no problem. In addition, the key FOB that wasn’t able to lock/unlock the doors all of the sudden after the car battery was replaced now works as well.

Go figure

AAA had no answers as to why all of the sudden it cranked up.

Could leaving the battery hooked up overnight for the first time before it was towed had an effect (the previous night we disconnected the battery to try to let any residual power left in systems drain out to see if that would work)? Like something needed longer to charge up before the car would crank?

Or would somehow moving the car (ie wheels moving during towing) have reset something?

Weird stuff.